Long time no see

   Posted by: Angelvoice   in love, Uncategorized

I haven´t written for a while now. I never felt like it since my husband passed away on 29th of November 2013. It is 1 year and 6 months now since he passed away in his sleep of epilepsy . called SUDEP sudden epilepsy death.

I have loved him for 13 years and are happy to have spent a lot of time with my soulmate. but suddenly it was all over and he was no more but a spirit by my side.

his soul lingers near me and I feel it sometimes.

I miss him dearly still and haven´t really moved on yet. but I am a work in process.

I have great friends and friends with benefits who have helped me to move on and go on living. without them I would be lost and probably been following him to the grave a year ago.

I have always felt he was the true love of my life. we had so much in common and did everything together. we liked the same things, movies, books, dancing Lindy hop, music. we were equals in our love for each other and respect for one another, we shared all happiness and joy and also the hard things in life. we cooked and cleaned and ate together every night. we could spend 24/7 together without being bored and just being comfortable in each others company.

but that is also the reason why I haven´t moved on yet because when you had it all and suddenly loose it all, that takes a bigger toll on your heart and soul.

*tears are falling*

I have so much things to fix around his death which has been hard to do.  close his accounts on internet and banks etc. I wish someone could help me with those things because I don´t want to do it on my own.

It was literally hell to find the one you love dead on the bed and not being able to save him cause it was to late.

and having to move from Cambridge back to Sweden after just moving to England 1 month earlier.. That was really like someone pulled the rug our from under my legs.

he got a new job in Cambridge 2,5 month earlier than me so I moved to him after finishing taking my drivers license and quitting my job. So we got 1 month together in Cambridge. then he just died on me.

so I had to move back to Sweden. no job and no apartment when I got back home. so lived at friends places for 10 months. with all my furniture and stuff in a storage room. and it is a moment 22 here to get a job you need a living. to get a living you need a job. yeay for Swedish bureaucracy, not..

no wonder I almost gave up my life a couple of times that first year.. it was hellish..

But I am a survivor it seems. a dandelion child that grows stronger from all struggles that someone is handing me.  sometimes I don´t want to be strong though. but cried my eyes out every single day for 10 months before I gave up and the crying lessened.

I have had so many dreams during those lonesome nights that he was still alive and well and we were so happy in those dreams, they seemed so real. Sometimes I just don´t want to wake up. but every time I realize it is a dream and that it cannot be possible that is when I wake up.

So I guess it is time for me to move on. to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and start living a bit more again.

I never would wish for anyone to have to go through what I had to go through.

love and happiness to all out there that lost a loved one.  even though it is hard. life goes on.


This entry was posted on Sunday, May 31st, 2015 at %0:%May %p and is filed under love, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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